And where these flowers bloom..

Cancer.

noun
1 : a malignant tumor of potentially unlimited growth that expands locally by invasion and systemically by metastasis


It's a dangerous word, and an even dangerous predicament. It makes you sad, confused.. And angry. Why you?? Why someone you love?



Ttomorrow at 10:45, my cat's being put to sleep because she has mouth cancer. And not to mention, the doctors believe my mother's cancer's back for round two. Blinky's been in my life since 1999. And I found her so, she's not exactly a kitten. She has to be at least 10 years old.. She's my baby.. She's been there for me through all the years my parents haven't. Silent comfort, taken by a silent killer.. I hate this, the way things come and bite you on the ass. If only I said something when I first found it, if only I caught on quicker. So yeah, it feels kinda like it's my fault 'cause I neglected to say anything three months ago about it.. But she seemed fine at the time and ate perfectly.

We had three choices, before I chose what was better for my baby.. We could've had the vet operate on it, and remove that side of her face.. But she'd also have to be away from the other two cats and be on a very strict, very expensive cancer diet.. Or we could just leave her alone and let her stay here, until she stops eating, then put her to sleep. And the third, also the one I picked, we could put her down now.. So she didn't have to go through all the suffering. All the pain it could be.

So 7/11/07, will be the last day I'll get to be with my Blinky. At least I'll be in the room when they give her the shot so she's not dying alone.. And she's not scared.

Remember a week or so ago my mom brought that cat home and we made an appointment for Blinky 'cause that thing on the side of her mouth? Well.. She had a vet appointment and they gave us medicine that should make it go down and if it didn't she'd cut it open and see what it was.. Well, the medicine didn't work. So my mom took Blinky back down yesterday and the vet cut it open and had absofuckinglutely no clue what it was. FUN. So she sent it to the lab and we'll known more about it Monday. Stitched her up and sent her drugged butt home. It could be anything.. And that scares me.


Good news, though.. I got a card today from manager Christy.. She said a customer sent an email to home office saying how professional and customer oriented I was. So kudos for me! Yey! I'm like the first in a while. <3

We've been talking over the past few weeks and Jared wants to join the military. Not right away though, because we're not ready yet. But in a few years, after we get married.. So we can start our family and live comfortably instead of paycheck to paycheck. Now, I understand there'll be those times where I can't be there with him and he can't even contact me.. And just thinking about it is tearing me in two.. Like Basic. How long will it really last? Since I'm still here, I'll probably be at his house all the time. Or if we're renting with Garrin, I'll be there. Another thing is when he has to leave for months on end and we're not here.. Plus what if I'm pregnant? I really don't want to be alone during the middle and end of my pregnancy. Then when the baby does come, I don't want him to miss his very own son or daughter's firsts. It crushes me to think of all the things he'll miss.. And majority of the things I'll have to do alone. All for very good benefits - if the baby gets sick, the hospital for my visits and birth.. It adds up. And if we don't have that nice amount of money coming in.. We probably wont be able to afford kids until way later. And I don't want to be like my mom and wait until I'm 32. I just need to decide if I can handle it before he goes to Basic.. 'Cause he said if he makes it that far, he's not turning around. And he's thinking about going with the Army or Airforce..

So 5:30 this morning my mom's screaming "I found her cat, she's hurt!" So I automatically think Blinky and jump out of fucking bed. I go out to the kitchen and my mom has a cat, orange and white, bleeding profusely in a box on our kitchen table. The cat got hit by a car, my mom said she went to move it 'cause she thought it was dead and she's stupid like that and the cat meowed. So she picked it up and brought it home. Of course no fucking vet is open at 6 in the morning.. The cat's trying to run and/or die so we had to put him in one of our cat cages and my mom still wants to keep the thing after it's gone. Our cats are going nuts.. The cat has breathing issues and is still bleeding. My mom wanted totake it down back and hit it over the head with a rock.. I'm trying to hold it together, I know I'll break down later.. I don't know.. I just want to leave and never look back.. This is so ugh. I feel like throwing up the cat's practically dying in our house. My grandmother told us to suffocate the fucking thing and the whole time my mom's crying about how she's so sesitive with animals and can't see them suffer, yet she's willing to suffocate or hit it over the head with a fucking rock. My dad's yelling at her and I'm telling them both that we are not killing an animal even if it is suffering. If we did it out back, someone would see and that's an arrest. I just don't want to put up with this anymore.. With her anymore.. She's like a damn child sometimes. But it's almost 8 and the vet should be opening now.. I'll update again when I get back.

edit

The vet didn't think he'd make it much longer either, and asked if we wanted to keep him if he did get better.. We already have three cats so uh.. No. But she'll call and let us know either way. I just hate this.

He has two stones..

The fuck?

And he's been planning our 'future'..

Um.. I'm still confused.

EDIT!

He gave me more clues like one stone is two words and starts with an M and S.. Well, he didn't think I'd get it right away.. D'uh a Midnight Sapphire! And the ring is gonna be - I forgot what type he said. And he won't tell me when or how he's doing it.. But he also said his mom said not to worry about a place for the reception and stuff. So you know WHAT!

I'm half way engaged? I don't know, but it's coming soon! I am so fucking happy, guys.

I honestly can't wait to be Mrs. Jared Sweeney. :)